'Unfrosted' should've left its ideas in the dumpster
Netflix
Let’s rattle off some phrases from my notes about “Unfrosted” and see how many laughs it sparks:
“Gauntlet of cow farts.”
“Demon pasta sea monkey.”
“Grandma’s holes.”
Sorry, that last one should’ve been capitalized, with Grandma’s Holes apparently being the name of a discontinued cereal. Somewhere a 17-year-old Adam Sandler movie is cracking up.
Anyone who watched “Seinfeld” — which is a lot of people who were over the age of 15 in the ‘90s — knows that its titular star has a lot of feelings about cereal. But anyone over the age of 15 now also has heard Jerry Seinfeld, the star/director/co-writer of “Unfrosted,” complaining about political correctness supposedly ruining comedy. Surely society, and not Seinfeld’s embarrassing desperation to live in the past/total inability to be funny in the present, is the problem with his new Netflix film’s climactic sequence, which very deliberately invokes the Jan. 6 insurrection as angry cereal mascots storm the Kellogg’s offices to try preventing an FDA employee (Fred Armisen) from certifying a new, milk-free breakfast product. Real dialogue: “Snap, Crackle and Pop: Our mission here is to stop the certification."
That’s one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, even though there’s no actual joke here, and shocking even for a movie that essentially hinges on the question (currently being asked by absolutely no one), “What’s the deal with Pop-Tarts?”
Despite being about 20 years too old for the role and not remotely an actor, Seinfeld (the amusing “Bee Movie”) stars as Bob Cabana, who along with Edsel Kellogg III (Jim Gaffigan) wars with the top brass at Post (led by Amy Schumer as Marjorie Post) in a kitchen-based space race to revolutionize kids’ concept of what to eat each morning. This includes utilizing intel gathered by two kids rooting around in a dumpster, who identify the magical combination of fruit filling and crust like the discovery of fire.
By the way, it’s 1963, meaning we eventually get stale cracks about JFK’s “Ask not” speech (Bill Burr plays Kennedy in the scene that ranks roughly ninth on a list of the film’s most painful) and sardines, plus Bob riffing that Froot Loops should be spelled that way because it contains no fruit. He also comes up with the name of an at-the-time iconic drink that has a certain tang to it. Frequently the actor/filmmaker appears to think he will be saved by a laugh track, which assumedly Netflix approved but couldn’t find anyone willing to provide the audio.
Not convinced yet that “Unfrosted” is hilarious? How about Thomas Lennon as Harold von Braunhut, an excuse for two jokes about German war criminals and a third wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the Holocaust thrown in for good measure. Bob also talks about his dream of having sod in his yard and threatens to add Boing when Snap (Kyle Mooney), Crackle (Mikey Day) and Pop (Drew Tarver) try negotiating their employment. “Unfrosted” often seems aimed at people who died the moment “Seinfeld” ended, or at least whose TVs broke and were never fixed.
For what it’s worth: There’s one big laugh involving a ridiculous moment of trying to secretly record a meeting with a mop, and there are enough sections of uninspired boredom (rather than appalling garbage) to render “Unfrosted” generally terrible rather than epically unwatchable. It also maintains such a smug, ironic distance from its lousy material that there’s no investment in or curiosity about what’s actually true in this supposedly reality-inspired nonsense.
Of course, this stunning crash from TV to film isn’t new; I’m relatively sure that the first time I felt really disappointed by a theatrical experience was “Sour Grapes,” the horribly unfunny 1998 effort written and directed by Larry David. “Unfrosted” makes “Sour Grapes” look like “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” At one point someone slices a banana into an open grave (don’t ask), further proof that fruit, pastry, cereal, and the legacy of Jerry Seinfeld were all harmed in the making of this film.
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