‘Desperados’ is very 2020 in that it’s disturbingly awful
Netflix
A CGI dolphin humps the main character and then smacks her in the face with his penis. That should be all you need to know about “Desperados.”
But if you’re a glutton for non-dolphin-related punishment: This movie is why no one should ever tempt fate and say “If Nasim Pedrad and Lamorne Morris starred in a romantic comedy together, I’d love it no matter what.” Because whether or not you enjoyed this pairing on “New Girl” (I did), “Desperados” is the rare comedy that can do battle with a similar David Spade vehicle and lose.
Yes, even “The Wrong Missy” has more laughs than this likewise travel-based atrocity, which perpetuates some of the worst cliches in a genre loaded with them. Wesley (Pedrad), an unemployed and hopelessly single L.A. stereotype in her late 30s whose unusual name does not achieve the intended aim of making her interesting, is simply a mess: She extensively details her masturbation habits during a job interview with a nun (she’s applying to be a guidance counselor at a Catholic school, not to be a nun). And she responds to not hearing from her presumed dream man Jared (Robbie Amell) for five days after they sleep together by writing an absolute whopper of an email, making reference to both his dead father and pencil-thin genitalia -- and of course Jared calls her as the email’s being sent to tell Wesley he just got out of a medically induced coma in Mexico. (If you think that sounds contrived, buckle in.)
Naturally the emotionally infantile Wesley determines her best option is to force her friends Brooke (Anna Camp), whose husband cheated on her, and Kaylie (Sarah Burns), who’s struggling to get pregnant, to fly with her to Cabo and help delete the message from Jared’s devices before he sees it. Again, Wesley has no job or money (she steals food from babysitting clients!) and Brooke has an infant son, but airtight logic isn’t required for romantic comedies. And it certainly isn’t attempted when “Desperados” has Sean McGuire (Morris), with whom Wesley recently had a mediocre date during which they plagiarize the lemon law from “How I Met Your Mother,” appear at the same resort and just explain it with “Eh, Cabo and L.A. are close, it happens, moving on.”
If this were just a benign ripoff of “Road Trip” (which in itself was a ripoff of “Overnight Delivery”) as Wesley raced against time to prevent a dangerous message from reaching its recipient, “Desperados” might have the dignity of being passably average. Eventually it almost settles into something that’s just painfully generic, and I liked the moment when Brooke and Kaylie identify the self-involved, destructive nature of their friend -- a common element that usually goes unrecognized in these movies when the main character’s problems dominate every conversation.
Far more often, “Desperados,” penned by a former staff writer for “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment,” is aggressively, insultingly stupid and unfunny, with most of its jokes feeling like they’ve been on the shelf since Antonio Banderas’ “Desperado” came out in 1995. Though ignore the previous sentence if you can’t wait to check out a running gag about people thinking Wesley is a child molester because of her interactions with a 12-year-old boy at the hotel who is introduced when he picks up the vibrator that fell out of her purse. And several comments about where to ejaculate, and a scene when a hotel employee falls from the second floor and screams, “Ow, my balls!” Oh, and multiple mentions of Kaylie’s cat looking like Hitler.
Aside from creating no sense of place (how does this movie not at least make you want to visit the resort?) and never establishing a comic rhythm ever ever ever, first-time feature director LP (who is not, in fact, the pop singer LP) also struggles to get the right dynamic from Pedrad and Morris. Their previous experience working together proves to be a major hindrance to generating the necessary tension and development between Wesley and Sean. It would be hard for a love story to make you feel less, and “Desperados” almost makes you long for the abysmal final season of “New Girl.” Almost.
D
NEW: WANT TO SETTLE A MOVIE DEBATE, TALK ABOUT '90S FAVORITES, OR EVEN HAVE YOUR SHORT HOME MOVIE REVIEWED? BOOK A VIDEO FROM MATT VIA CAMEO
ORDER “TALK ‘90S WITH ME: 23 UNPREDICTABLE CONVERSATIONS WITH STARS OF AN UNFORGETTABLE DECADE”
Matt’s new book arrived Sept. 27, 2022, and Richard Roeper raves: “Matt Pais deserves four stars for reintroducing us to many of the greatly talented but often unsung heroes of 1990s film. This is a terrific read.”
ARE YOU A “SAVED BY THE BELL” FAN?
Order “Zack Morris Lied 329 Times! Reassessing every ridiculous episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ … with stats” (featuring interviews with 22 cast members, plus the co-founder of Saved by the Max and the creator of “Zack Morris is Trash”)
GET 100 STORIES FOR JUST $4.99